Still enjoying the will to live? Try watching the film Synedoche, New York. That'll fix that.
My God! Why did I try to stop drinking this week, of all weeks?
This film is an apocalyptic sob-scape. A terrifying descent into a nightmare world full of people who look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman! How is there a market for this crap? I want to gouge out my own eyes, to protect myself from ever seeing anything this horrifying again! But I can't let this be the last thing I see!
Oh, God! Save me from this all-you-can-eat-misery-buffet. And, seriously...why is that one lady's house always on fire? Is it really a metaphor, or do these people just like jerking us around? I suspect it's the latter. And I'm mad as hell.
Don't watch it. Just don't.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Christine
It's possible, even likely, that my car is now inhabited by the spirit of some unholy demon. Yesterday when I got in and turned the key, the car quickly locked and unlocked, locked and unlocked the doors. Then, when the car started, it sort of jumped up and down and made a squealing sound.
"That's new," I thought. But I drove to work anyway.
Then, at one point during today's morning drive, I heard a new sound. A strange new sound. It sounded like a mouse chorus. Could it be that? Because once, this winter, as I drove to work in the morning, I noticed a frightened little mouse totally surfing the hood of my car. David hates those meeses to pieces. Not me. I named him Ralph and considered getting him a motorcycle. I would have made him a tiny helmet out of a ping pong ball. But he ran away when I parked.
My theory is this: remember that movie Christine? An unusually angry car comes to life, and is intent on killing everyone. I can't imagine what would drive (ha!) a car to such lengths, but then again, I know I've forgotten a lot of major plot points because the movie was terribly long and boring. Anyway, maybe my car is like Christine now, and is gearing (ha!) up to kill a bunch of teenagers. In fact, maybe car is going on killing sprees during the day, while I'm busy at work! But then, why doesn't car wash itself?
Stupid car.
Hey, Erika! Thanks for the extensions. They're hot.
"That's new," I thought. But I drove to work anyway.
Then, at one point during today's morning drive, I heard a new sound. A strange new sound. It sounded like a mouse chorus. Could it be that? Because once, this winter, as I drove to work in the morning, I noticed a frightened little mouse totally surfing the hood of my car. David hates those meeses to pieces. Not me. I named him Ralph and considered getting him a motorcycle. I would have made him a tiny helmet out of a ping pong ball. But he ran away when I parked.
My theory is this: remember that movie Christine? An unusually angry car comes to life, and is intent on killing everyone. I can't imagine what would drive (ha!) a car to such lengths, but then again, I know I've forgotten a lot of major plot points because the movie was terribly long and boring. Anyway, maybe my car is like Christine now, and is gearing (ha!) up to kill a bunch of teenagers. In fact, maybe car is going on killing sprees during the day, while I'm busy at work! But then, why doesn't car wash itself?
Stupid car.
Hey, Erika! Thanks for the extensions. They're hot.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Satan's Stationary Hell-cat
So, we looked into the cat across the street conundrum. My secretary SWEARS it's a cat-statue. But guess what? I don't care. Hey, stupid stationary cat...I'm still watching you. Waiting. My time will come.
Cas and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
Hey, Guy....
Guy who's 'cabin' I was supposed to find today. Guess what? You needed to clarify that you live in a CABIN in the MOUNTAINS at the end of a 4x4 track to hell. It was a lovely drive, really, but I don't think you can fault me for giving up, as I was driving a sports sedan with about an inch of clearance, which would pretty much get hung up on a horse turd.
So leave my secretary be. She doesn't mean any personal affront. And neither do I. We're both doing the best we can with limited resources, and REALLY if you expect visitors, maybe consider mentioning they should be equipped with four wheel drive and prepared for an adventure!
Also, don't be such a dick.
Guy who's 'cabin' I was supposed to find today. Guess what? You needed to clarify that you live in a CABIN in the MOUNTAINS at the end of a 4x4 track to hell. It was a lovely drive, really, but I don't think you can fault me for giving up, as I was driving a sports sedan with about an inch of clearance, which would pretty much get hung up on a horse turd.
So leave my secretary be. She doesn't mean any personal affront. And neither do I. We're both doing the best we can with limited resources, and REALLY if you expect visitors, maybe consider mentioning they should be equipped with four wheel drive and prepared for an adventure!
Also, don't be such a dick.
Lily and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
So, I went riding Saturday, and it was lovely. Bailey was an ANGEL! Nothing untoward happened at all! At least with us...
Halfway through the ride, Lily yelped. Just once. Then she ran up behind me and Bailey, and just walked behind us for the rest of the ride. Later that night, David and I discovered that something had cut Lily on her side. Badly. The cut had torn her skin completely off, all the way down to her muscle. It. Was. Gross.
So, she had to have stitches. The vet gave her the normal first dose of sedative, and Lily went limp. The vet said she was a lightweight. When she got home, she still couldn't walk on her own, and she had a weird look on her face. Her eyes were red and droopy, and her jowls were saggy, too. It took her all day to recover.
Luckily, the vet left an opening below the last stitch, where Lily's lucky parents can insert the tube of antibiotic salve and SHOOT IT DIRECTLY INTO THE OOZING WOUND. That's right. That's how we roll now.
Jesus.
Hey, Erika...can you do extensions yet?
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