Locked in a windowless room with a bunch of lawyers. It's my employer's annual 2-day long training, and it is draining my will to live. I want to love my job, but it's making it hard. I think my job wants me to break up with it.
First of all, it's hotter than hell in here, and these gasbags are sucking all the air out of the room. And, to add insult to injury, there are no refreshments, and although lunch is provided, it's from the craptastic courthouse cafeteria and we're required to eat it in this fiery hell closet of a training room while some blowhard yammers on.
I am willing to acknowledge that a lot of the trouble I have with training is entirely due to my unmedicated ADD. But this sucks.
I wish there were scented markers. At my previous employer, we had scented markers, and the cinnamon one even tasted good!
I've been told I have a bad attitude, but I don't think that's true. All I want is some scented markers.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Dominican Holiday
So, the mister and I just returned from a week of frolic in the Dominican Republic. Some of the highlights:
-GINORMOUS rats gamboling in the center of the resort grounds. I was alone the first time I encountered the megarats. It should be added that it was really the middle of the night. Like maybe 2 a.m. Still, giant feral rats were charming, and captured my imagination for the rest of the trip. What do they eat? Do they ever become aggressive if affronted? Do they have dreams and aspirations beyond the acquisition of trail mix? What diseases do their fleas carry?
-Found a conch whilst snorkeling, took it back to resort, suggested to kitchen staff that we attempt to eat it. Success. Kitchen staff clearly interested to see whether I'd really eat it. I did.
-Saw a HUGE, aggressive spider. It lunged at David. Later, discovered many confounding bites all over my legs. Can't say conclusively that the two are linked. Just seems likely.
-Observed main mode of public transport: little motorcycle taxis. Awesome, right? Except saw many moms holding 2-3 infants at a time while riding these death rockets right next to giant busses. Did you know? No such thing as a baby-helmet. So that's gotta change.
-Clearly, booze is watered down at resort. Took diligent efforts to acquire and maintain proper buzz. Dear Riu Resort; WTF? I am still thirsty, and oddly, still not drunk. So ANGRY.
-Sampled local beverage: mamajuana. Supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Comprised of wood and herbs soaked in rum. Not bad, really. Also, enjoyed constant cries of "Drinky! Drinky! Very Good!" from servers. "Drinky Drinky" has become new party mantra.
-Enjoyed nightly live entertainment. Still, don't think I understood it. Every night, seemed like mystifying hybrid of "Sabado Gigante" and "Peewee's Playhouse." Periodically, performers would shriek what must have been "the word of the day." Then, all performers launched into hectic, frenetic dance to the sound of bongo drums.
A good time was had by all.
-GINORMOUS rats gamboling in the center of the resort grounds. I was alone the first time I encountered the megarats. It should be added that it was really the middle of the night. Like maybe 2 a.m. Still, giant feral rats were charming, and captured my imagination for the rest of the trip. What do they eat? Do they ever become aggressive if affronted? Do they have dreams and aspirations beyond the acquisition of trail mix? What diseases do their fleas carry?
-Found a conch whilst snorkeling, took it back to resort, suggested to kitchen staff that we attempt to eat it. Success. Kitchen staff clearly interested to see whether I'd really eat it. I did.
-Saw a HUGE, aggressive spider. It lunged at David. Later, discovered many confounding bites all over my legs. Can't say conclusively that the two are linked. Just seems likely.
-Observed main mode of public transport: little motorcycle taxis. Awesome, right? Except saw many moms holding 2-3 infants at a time while riding these death rockets right next to giant busses. Did you know? No such thing as a baby-helmet. So that's gotta change.
-Clearly, booze is watered down at resort. Took diligent efforts to acquire and maintain proper buzz. Dear Riu Resort; WTF? I am still thirsty, and oddly, still not drunk. So ANGRY.
-Sampled local beverage: mamajuana. Supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Comprised of wood and herbs soaked in rum. Not bad, really. Also, enjoyed constant cries of "Drinky! Drinky! Very Good!" from servers. "Drinky Drinky" has become new party mantra.
-Enjoyed nightly live entertainment. Still, don't think I understood it. Every night, seemed like mystifying hybrid of "Sabado Gigante" and "Peewee's Playhouse." Periodically, performers would shriek what must have been "the word of the day." Then, all performers launched into hectic, frenetic dance to the sound of bongo drums.
A good time was had by all.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Life Suppressant
Still enjoying the will to live? Try watching the film Synedoche, New York. That'll fix that.
My God! Why did I try to stop drinking this week, of all weeks?
This film is an apocalyptic sob-scape. A terrifying descent into a nightmare world full of people who look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman! How is there a market for this crap? I want to gouge out my own eyes, to protect myself from ever seeing anything this horrifying again! But I can't let this be the last thing I see!
Oh, God! Save me from this all-you-can-eat-misery-buffet. And, seriously...why is that one lady's house always on fire? Is it really a metaphor, or do these people just like jerking us around? I suspect it's the latter. And I'm mad as hell.
Don't watch it. Just don't.
My God! Why did I try to stop drinking this week, of all weeks?
This film is an apocalyptic sob-scape. A terrifying descent into a nightmare world full of people who look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman! How is there a market for this crap? I want to gouge out my own eyes, to protect myself from ever seeing anything this horrifying again! But I can't let this be the last thing I see!
Oh, God! Save me from this all-you-can-eat-misery-buffet. And, seriously...why is that one lady's house always on fire? Is it really a metaphor, or do these people just like jerking us around? I suspect it's the latter. And I'm mad as hell.
Don't watch it. Just don't.
Christine
It's possible, even likely, that my car is now inhabited by the spirit of some unholy demon. Yesterday when I got in and turned the key, the car quickly locked and unlocked, locked and unlocked the doors. Then, when the car started, it sort of jumped up and down and made a squealing sound.
"That's new," I thought. But I drove to work anyway.
Then, at one point during today's morning drive, I heard a new sound. A strange new sound. It sounded like a mouse chorus. Could it be that? Because once, this winter, as I drove to work in the morning, I noticed a frightened little mouse totally surfing the hood of my car. David hates those meeses to pieces. Not me. I named him Ralph and considered getting him a motorcycle. I would have made him a tiny helmet out of a ping pong ball. But he ran away when I parked.
My theory is this: remember that movie Christine? An unusually angry car comes to life, and is intent on killing everyone. I can't imagine what would drive (ha!) a car to such lengths, but then again, I know I've forgotten a lot of major plot points because the movie was terribly long and boring. Anyway, maybe my car is like Christine now, and is gearing (ha!) up to kill a bunch of teenagers. In fact, maybe car is going on killing sprees during the day, while I'm busy at work! But then, why doesn't car wash itself?
Stupid car.
Hey, Erika! Thanks for the extensions. They're hot.
"That's new," I thought. But I drove to work anyway.
Then, at one point during today's morning drive, I heard a new sound. A strange new sound. It sounded like a mouse chorus. Could it be that? Because once, this winter, as I drove to work in the morning, I noticed a frightened little mouse totally surfing the hood of my car. David hates those meeses to pieces. Not me. I named him Ralph and considered getting him a motorcycle. I would have made him a tiny helmet out of a ping pong ball. But he ran away when I parked.
My theory is this: remember that movie Christine? An unusually angry car comes to life, and is intent on killing everyone. I can't imagine what would drive (ha!) a car to such lengths, but then again, I know I've forgotten a lot of major plot points because the movie was terribly long and boring. Anyway, maybe my car is like Christine now, and is gearing (ha!) up to kill a bunch of teenagers. In fact, maybe car is going on killing sprees during the day, while I'm busy at work! But then, why doesn't car wash itself?
Stupid car.
Hey, Erika! Thanks for the extensions. They're hot.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Satan's Stationary Hell-cat
So, we looked into the cat across the street conundrum. My secretary SWEARS it's a cat-statue. But guess what? I don't care. Hey, stupid stationary cat...I'm still watching you. Waiting. My time will come.
Cas and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
Hey, Guy....
Guy who's 'cabin' I was supposed to find today. Guess what? You needed to clarify that you live in a CABIN in the MOUNTAINS at the end of a 4x4 track to hell. It was a lovely drive, really, but I don't think you can fault me for giving up, as I was driving a sports sedan with about an inch of clearance, which would pretty much get hung up on a horse turd.
So leave my secretary be. She doesn't mean any personal affront. And neither do I. We're both doing the best we can with limited resources, and REALLY if you expect visitors, maybe consider mentioning they should be equipped with four wheel drive and prepared for an adventure!
Also, don't be such a dick.
Guy who's 'cabin' I was supposed to find today. Guess what? You needed to clarify that you live in a CABIN in the MOUNTAINS at the end of a 4x4 track to hell. It was a lovely drive, really, but I don't think you can fault me for giving up, as I was driving a sports sedan with about an inch of clearance, which would pretty much get hung up on a horse turd.
So leave my secretary be. She doesn't mean any personal affront. And neither do I. We're both doing the best we can with limited resources, and REALLY if you expect visitors, maybe consider mentioning they should be equipped with four wheel drive and prepared for an adventure!
Also, don't be such a dick.
Lily and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
So, I went riding Saturday, and it was lovely. Bailey was an ANGEL! Nothing untoward happened at all! At least with us...
Halfway through the ride, Lily yelped. Just once. Then she ran up behind me and Bailey, and just walked behind us for the rest of the ride. Later that night, David and I discovered that something had cut Lily on her side. Badly. The cut had torn her skin completely off, all the way down to her muscle. It. Was. Gross.
So, she had to have stitches. The vet gave her the normal first dose of sedative, and Lily went limp. The vet said she was a lightweight. When she got home, she still couldn't walk on her own, and she had a weird look on her face. Her eyes were red and droopy, and her jowls were saggy, too. It took her all day to recover.
Luckily, the vet left an opening below the last stitch, where Lily's lucky parents can insert the tube of antibiotic salve and SHOOT IT DIRECTLY INTO THE OOZING WOUND. That's right. That's how we roll now.
Jesus.
Hey, Erika...can you do extensions yet?
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