Dear Tepanyaki Restaurant,

Dear Tepanyaki Restaurant,

I am deeply sorry about what happened last night. I realize that it is not considered acceptable behavior for diners to stick chopsticks in their upper lips to look like walrus tusks, or to put chopsticks up their noses. I want to apologize, and promise to try to comport myself more appropriately if I'm ever allowed to dine in your establishment again.

Also, I am very sorry about what happened to that lovely 3 dimensional representation of a geisha you had framed and hung in the ladies' room. That's a nice piece of art, and it looks nice in Nick and Erika's house. If it makes you feel better, they've already hung it in a prominent place, and they like it very much.

Also, maybe it will make you feel better to know that really no one escaped that night unscathed. Erika had a particularly hilarious accident with a drum set. She was very scantily clad, and fell into the drums, whereupon her thong became entangled inextricably with the drum set. It took three people at least ten minutes to effect her release, and her swimsuit area became exposed during the effort. It was very shameful, and was probably a karmic punishment for what we did at your fine establishment that night.

Also, Nick slept on the living room floor, David slept on the bathroom floor, I called everyone racist animals, and Bridget slept in the cold, then expelled the contents of her stomach.

We have all paid dearly for the havoc we wrought at your restaurant, and frankly, we blame Hyuen, who gave us sake bombs after it was clearly no longer safe or sane to do so. Our lawyers will be contacting you.